If You Dont Want To Die, Get Dressed

Recently Hollywood has been having a love affair with "torture porn". Now if you don't know what torture porn is you have been living under a rock or just aren't influenced enough by the media, but face it everyone is influenced. Upon viewing the newest addition to the "torture porn" fad Friday the 13th, I realized something. If you're a lady, the amount of skin you show in a slasher movie is directly proportional to the chance of you dieing and the amount of time you have on screen. If you're a dude, how much of a dick you are is directly proportionate to the chance of you dieing and the amount of time you have on screen.

Ladies:

This is essentially a linear relation.

Naked and Having Sex: You are the first to die, and its usually before you climax... bummer.

Naked But Not Having Sex: You have a little more a of chance then the one directly in the act, but your chances are still slim. Expect to be chased through various locations until the killer ultimately catches you and you die. (These scenes will resemble soft core porn, because they essentially are)

Underwear: Once again you don't have much of a chance of surviving, but you will most likely end up in either a closet or a bathroom before the inevitable.

Not Quite Underwear: See Underwear

Tank top and shorts: Congrats, you will be able to see all your friends murdered and once you get the idea that you will be able to see the light of day and live a normal life you get a machete through the stomach.

Any Other Clothing: You survive, now you just have to live a troubled life as you remember the day that all your friends died and you shot a giant dude in the face... awesome.

Dudes:

This is a lot less linear and is also a lot more confusing.

The Nice Guy: You Survive, see "Any other clothing" on the ladies list.

Stoner: While stoners sometimes are considered "nice" they tend to be more selfish then the rest of the group being hunted, thus they die. You will probably be dead while extremely high, outside if the place being hunted is a building.

Crazy Guy: You're wild, fun, break the rules all the time, and dead... congratulations.

The Douche: You are an asshole, you most probably cheated on your girlfriend, and the rest of the group hates you. The good news, you survive. Well, almost survive. You last up until right before the last confrontation with The Nice Guy and the girl with Any Other Clothing even if you change your heart, you're gonna die. Good job, douche.